At some point I was diagnosed with Absence Epilepsy. This is a disease in which some synapses in the brain are not properly connected and I had short blackouts during which I did not notice anything of my surroundings. At that time I suffered 45 blackouts within one minute. The doctors said it was a miracle that I learned to speak at all.
I experienced a lot of rejection and bullying from students and teachers because of this illness. My biological father could not handle it and there were many conflicts at home. Fights and rejection were a daily occurrence.
With puberty and the switch to medication, I got rid of the Absence Epilepsy.
Through all the rejection I started to look for acceptance and validation from boys. I had destructive relationships and let myself be treated badly because I felt I didn't deserve it any other way.
Since I was 5 years old I have seen dark creatures from the spiritual world. This is how I started to develop a fascination for occultism and the devil during puberty. I was looking for answers for all the things I had seen in the invisible world, but I was not looking to God for answers.
When I was 16, the pastor and an elder from my mother's church prayed for me. They prayed that I would no longer be able to see these creatures. My fascination grew nevertheless. I began to focus on nothing else, participated in occult practices and started listening to satanic music. I always wanted to know more about the devil and demons.
Without realizing it, I distanced myself from Jesus and opened doors for the devil in every part of my life. This brought self-hatred and depression into my life.
I was in various psychiatric wards, though they didn't help but only made things worse. The devil had gotten me so far that I wanted to take my own life. I had the feeling that I was stealing other people's air to breathe.
At the age of 19 I was placed in an supervised group home for young people. There I became addicted to cannabis. It became the most important thing in my life. It was the only way for me to escape this negative thought cycle.
I began to steal from my parents. My whole environment suffered because of my addiction. Without me realizing it, the drug destroyed me and my life more and more. Shortly before I was kicked out of the group home, I was put on an antidepressant. Everything went well for a while and I thought I was free from depression.
I realized that I had to go back to Jesus. So I started to go to Christian counseling. But I was still trapped in so many things, so I just kept going in circles.
In my last relationship, which was totally based on addiction, we argued so much one night that I took an overdose of my antidepressants. I was in a coma for 36 hours. When I woke up in the intensive care unit, I realized that God had protected me and I could not go on living like this. Otherwise I would really die.
I had to go all in with Jesus.
I looked for information about Christian rehabs, but found none. At the Christmas service from our old church I met someone who had been to the Wiedenhof himself. He started telling me about it. I saw in him such love and true life. I knew immediately that this was what I had been looking for all this time.
I applied at the Wiedenhof and after a few talks I was allowed to come.
I have been here for 9 months now and I can say that it really is a miracle house where people are healed and set free.
On March 20th 2020 I was baptized and decided to give my whole life to Jesus, which was the best decision of my life. Here Jesus has set me free from my drug addiction, depression, and self-hatred. I am free from things that I thought I would never get rid of. This always seemed impossible to me, but with Jesus everything is possible! He made my black and white world colorful and showed me how wonderful it is to live.
He gave me a new life in this place.
I am no longer dependent on people, but he gave me value and identity.
I used to think that life with Jesus was boring, but it is really exciting.
I love encounters with the Holy Spirit and to experience how alive God is.
By getting to know God as a loving father, I was able to forgive my biological father.
I have never felt love for him. I thought I would hate him forever. But now that Jesus lives in me, I see him with different eyes. I have love in my heart for him.
Jesus also gave me a vision for my future. In the past, I used to run away from my future because I was afraid of it. Now I am just looking forward to it and with Jesus at my side I can face my future.
I want to go to the Revival School after my aftercare to prepare for missions and I want do something with worship later.
It is simply on my heart to give hope to young women who are like I was once, and I want to lead people to Jesus. I want to bring them the message that he wants to set them free, meet their needs and give them true life.
I am so excited about what I will experience with Jesus. I am so grateful to him that he loved me when I could not love myself. That he never gave up on me just like my mother never did. She prayed for me all my life that Jesus would save me. With my testimony I just want to give glory to my Dad in heaven and reach people who are lost to show them that there is a way to freedom. His name is Jesus!